It was a normal Saturday afternoon and I had just dropped TheWife off at work when Ace sent me a BlackBerry Message asking me what I was up to. I told him I had just brought TheWife to work, and was heading home, and I asked him what he was up to and if he wanted to hang out. He told me he was already on his way over.

Ace had arrived and as per usual we decided to get some lunch. Well, he did, I wasn't hungry so I just tagged along with him. We went to the Chinese Restaurant a few minutes away from my house, walked in, Ace placed his order, and we both went outside while I smoked a cigarette. I was about halfway through with my cigarette when we noticed this skeezy looking crack whore walking towards us. Yes, I'm very judgemental, and usually my judgement is spot on, and this time was no exception.

SCW: Hey, I know you have a lighter because you're smoking. Can I borrow it?
Me: Actually I don't. I borrowed one from a guy who was walking by.
SCW: You don't have to lie ya know, fucking punks.
Me: I'm not lying you douche. Actually, I was lying. I didn't want to let her touch anything of mine because she really was that nasty looking
SCW: Fine, can I borrow your cigarette so I can get a jump start?
Me: Uh... I took a few quick drags ...sure...

She took the cigarette and started lighting up her rolled cigarette off of it. Alright, whatever, she's obviously poor and was drunk and most likely high because she couldn't stand up straight, had slurred speach, and looked as if she hadn't found a shower in a year.

SCW: Here, have your cigarette back.
Me: Nah, I'm good. You need it more than I do.
SCW: Thanks, it must be my lucky day. You want my cigarette?
Me: Ha, no.
SCW: What's the matter? My cigarette not good enough for you?
Me: Pretty much.
SCW: So you're just giving away cigarettes huh? You just gave away everything you own. You must be 21. You youngsters are all fuckin' punks, thinkin' you're bad asses and what not.
Ace: Actually, I'm only 12.
SCW: No, really, how old are you guys?
Ace: Why's it matter? We're punks remember?
SCW: You're what? 18 right?
Me: Nope, guess again.
SCW: 19?
Me: Nope.
SCW: Then how old?
Ace: Don't worry about it ok?
SCW: Fuckin punks, wanna be badasses
Me: You're gonna run your mouth to the wrong person one day and you're gonna get knocked the fuck out.
SCW: Oh, you think you can take me?
Me: Yep, I do. We have the upper hand anyways. You're slurring your speach, leaning against the wall because you can't stand, and you're probably a crack addict.
SCW: Well, I use to be a stripper...
Ace: Ohhhhhhhh
Me: That's something to be proud of...
SCW: ...and I use to roll with the Hell's Angels. And yes, it's something to be proud about. Look at this body! I'm fucking hot for a 49 year old!
Me: No, it's not something to be proud of and if you really hung with the Angels, it's probably because you were their designated blow job.

This went on for a few minutes and she eventually walked inside.

Ace: Dude, did that really just happen?
Me: Yep. Ace: Wow, only in this town would that happen...
Me: Yep. I'mma light another cig just to piss her off.

SCW eventually came back outside and ran her mouth some more like we had expected. She asked me if she could use my cigarette again to light her rolled up pile of shit, so I handed her my cigarette and told her to keep it. That went over well.

SCW: Why do you keep giving me your cigarettes?
Me: Because I don't like people touching my cigs, it's fucking gross.
SCW: I ain't touchin' it, ya freak.
Me: Are you retarded? You're holding it in your hand.
SCW: So? Are you afraid to catch something?
Me: Have you seen yourself?
SCW: I don't have nothin'.
Me: I don't know that, you are an ex-stripper, whore.

Ace and I decided to head in and get away from this woman and to check on his order. His food wasn't done so we sat at one of the tables and waited. It didn't take long for the SCW to come into the Chinese Restaurant, and when she did, she walked right up to a couple and started running her mouth again.

SCW: So Jesus saves huh?
JesusSavesGirl: Yes, he does.
SCW: So he's gonna save me?
Me: No, he doesn't care about you. He wants you to die of an overdose
SCW: So is that your husband? She pointed to the gentleman that was sitting down at the table near JesusSavesGirl, completely ignoring me
JesusSavesGirl: Yes he is, why?
SCW: Then you need to fix your home. You need to clean your house! SCW was making a whirlwind motion with her finger, hunched over, while looking at JesusSavesGirl
JesusSavesGirl: What are you talking about?
SCW: You need to clean your house, coz he be smilin at me. He's not happy with you.
JesusSavesGirl: Why do you say that?
SCW: Because he walked by me and I said "Yum Yum" and he smiled!
JesusSavesGirl: So? It was a compliment, he's allowed to smile at a compliment.
Ace: And only 21 year olds are punks? You're causing drama for everyone, damn...
SCW: I ain't causin' no drama, I'm jus tryin to let this religious bitch know her man is cheatin
JesusSavesGirl: But he's not...he don't want you.
SCW walked out saying "Whatever" and walked as if she had something to show off
JesusSavesGirl: I want to hit her, and I don't hit nobody!
Me: I'll give you $50 if you do. Just lay her out.
JesusSavesGirl: No, I can't. I don't want to get arrested.
Me: You won't, the cops will take one look at her and say "fuck it" and take off. I'll give you $100!
JesusSavesGirl: No, I can't.

Ace gets called up to get his order, money in hand, and was getting ready to pay for his lunch when he asked for a Sprite to go along with his meal. We're not sure if the woman at the restaurant was just trying to get us out of there, or if she was distracted by the drama going on there, but she only charged Ace $1.00 for 2 lunch specials and a Sprite. On our way out I had to yell prostitute to SCW, but she didn't say anything back. It was really unbelievable on how you telling someone you don't have a lighter can turn into a 20 minute fight with a hooker on heroin. At least Ace got some free munchin' out of the deal.

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