So the other day Ace and I went to the Chinese resturaunt down the street where I currently live to pick up a take-out order he placed. When we got there, I noticed some ad's on the window. He didn't know what to say, or maybe he didn't believe me, but regardless, he thought it was funny. When we walked out of the resturaunt, he took a look and took some pictures:

Photography By Ace

This is the outside window of the Chinese place...if you want to zoom in, you can with the next picture...

Yes...this is a cat advertisement on the outside of a Chinese Resturaunt. No, I will never eat from there again. Yes, these pictures are real and I'm dead serious about this. This highly disturbs me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some Chinese grub, but I don't want to know that cats are involved, or at least kept a secret. I love cats/kittens. They are adorable, entertaining, and do some fucked up shit. I have a few cats and they are the most adorable, retarded, entertaining creatures in existance (next to humans of course). Sure they may taste great, but do we really want to know that we're eating cat? I know that these pictures don't prove that this place is serving cats, but the stereotype on Chinese places sure doesn't do this any justice. Were the cats not good enough for cooking or what? What's the stipulations on cooking cats? Who knows. Maybe this will turn into a story because I do have a lot on this topic. Yes. I do still eat Chinese food...even if cats are being cooked.

Some things are better left out of the stories section because there isn't much to say aside from a little quip here and there, and instead of having a lot of links pointing to some one liners, or putting something into an obscure section, it will be placed here in the random section.

In a conversation with Ace
Me "She's a good person too, which is rare to find in a ho"

On the way down to New York City to go to White Castle...yes, we took a short trip to NYC to go to White Castle...
The Wife: "I don't know what this smell is, but I like it"
Ace: "It's called exhaust..."

10 Different Ways to Fart Bomb Your Friends

1. The Catch & Release: The Catch & Release method is a classic act of placing your hand on your ass, cupping it like a pervert does to a stranger, and letting one rip right into the palm of your hand. Once the fart is done, you close your hand into a fist and bring it up in the air and open your palm to your friends face.

2. The Jump/Ass Lunge: In order to perform this maneuver, you should be in good physical shape to jump at least 1 foot (preferably higher) off of the ground. It's best performed while your friend is sitting down in a chair, so when you jump, you can reach a good face to ass angle and really let them have it. The attack of this move is crucial, because if you release your gas too soon, you may run out before the intended operation has been completed, or you may release too late, thus looking like a complete jackass. You should be familiar with the types of farts and learn how to control the release and sustain of them. Once this has been mastered, you can then take a few running steps towards your friend, jump and twist your ass into their face (or the back of their head) without any physical contact, and have the stream of gas float by and linger down upon them.

3. Crop Dusting: An oldie but goodie move in which you release your fart as you walk around an area. It's simple enough for the novice fartsters.

4. The Dutch Oven: This must be done with someone you are dating, married to, or just fucking. Heed my notice friends, this one is not for the faint of heart, and can possibly put your relationships into danger. It's recommended to not abuse this move either otherwise it could cause some serious damage. To perform this attack, one must build up their gas to a dangerous level. Eat some fast food or chinese an hour prior if you struggle with the gas making process. Once you have established what could be the greatest fart of your life, simply place the blankets of the bed over your partners head as if you were trying to hide their face, and let it loose. Hold them under for as long as you can, because I assure you, they will get out and your ass could very well be put into a high risk zone for getting slapped, punched, or any other type of physical or verbal abuse.

5. The Decepti-fart: A move that is devious to all of the fart moves. To perform this move, you simply position your ass in the area of which you want to release the toxins from your bowels out of, and you find a way to get your friends face within a few inches (no more than a foot) away from the launch site. Once they move into position, you release your sphincter muscles and ass blast them to next week.

   An example of the Decepti-Fart: You walk over to a window near where your friend is sitting. You nonchalantly tell them to look out the window at something you know will spark their interest, and once they get into firing range, you let it fly.

6. The Roaster: The Roaster is a vile attack and should never be done when you know you won't be able to handle your own make. You also need to be in a vehicle as well, and hopefully your own so you can lock the windows (if your vehicle has that option) to where nobody can roll them down. This move is best done in the Winter season as nobody wants to roll down their window anyways. Once the windows are up and locked in place, turn the heat up as high as it will go, or desired temperature has been reached. Once the oven light flashes to let you know the temperature is just right, let your fart go as silently as you can.

7. The Santa Clause: This one was designed for those gaseous ladies. When sitting on your boyfriend/husband/fuck buddy/friends lap, you wrap your arms around their neck in a hug like fashion, and let the badonkadonk open. Just be aware that whomever your victim is, may or may not think you are the coolest chick ever.

8. To My Fans: On a warm/hot day when you have a fan blowing to circulate the air inside the room you are in, position yourself in the direct line of the fan. Be sure, if possible, that the fan is blowing out of the only exit, or where the biggest target can be reached, and fart into the breeze. It might tickle a bit if you're inches away from the fan, but if you position yourself to 6 to 12 inches away, your victims will receive a toxic cloud of butt dust.

9. The Surprise: Walk over to your friend who has their back turned to you because they are in deep thought and position your ass near their head. Once in position, get their attention by saying their name, and when they turn, fire at will. You might want to run away afterwards.

10. The Decoy: It is important that this be done with 3 or more people in close proximity, such as in a movie theater or on the couch while watching a movie. Silently let one go, and after a few seconds, be the first to point it out and put blame to your friend. If it's a really nasty foul smelling air biscuit, your friend could become the target for other fart methods for the rest of the day.