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Sponge Bob is a douche Event Date: July, 2009 Written Date: January 20, 2010 It was a usual Friday afternoon after I had gotten out of work, you know, where I'd ask TheWife what she wanted to drink (if anything) and stop at the package store (that's where you buy liquor and beer in New England, you freaks) before arriving home. I picked up some diet coke as well, because it's easier to sneak in a bottle of soda than a bottle of alcohol into any place you go. We decided to go bowling that night, and her friend Toxic joined us. About halfway through our session at the alley, my cousin Smack shows up and starts drinking my concoction and starts getting silly. Not being a vodka drinker, it hit him rather quickly, while for me, it takes a little bit. So after bowling we all made our way back to where TheWife and I were staying to stock up on some beers and go out ghost hunting. We relax for a little bit in our bedroom and have a beer to keep the buzz going, when TheWife decides that she wants to go to the 24 hour department store down the road. We all pile into the Civic and head out, grabbing some beers for the ride (NOTE: TheWife was driving as she was the only person that wasn't drinking). As we arrive into the parking lot, I see the infamous PT Cruiser stamped up with Sponge Bob stickers, plushies, and whatever else you could cram into an ugly car to make even more ugly, and immediately get pissed. No, I wasn't upset at the fact he made one pile of shit look like a bigger, more yellow, pile of shit; I was pissed off at the fact that this dick fuck drives around at night, on main roads, back roads, and on the highways, with his fucking high beams on. A few months prior to this he was high beaming me, so I hopped into the passing lane, slowed down to let him pass, and blinded his ass. Anyways, that's not the point. I got out of the car and said "That fucker works here" and then I had to explain to everyone why I didn't like him. We're walking into the store, a beer in my hand, when I see this guy in his late 30's to early 40's wearing yellow crocs. Crocs are the ugliest thing to put on your feet, so I could only assume he'd be the kind of douche bag to drive an ugly Sponge Bob car. My drunk insticts were correct. It was, in fact, the douche bag driver and I had some things to tell him.
Me: You drive that Sponge Bob mobile? I felt kind of bad for attempting to bitch out someone who had a medical condition. However, TheWife made a very valid point after we walked away from him. She said "If he can't fucking see, he shouldn't be fucking driving". To which I pulled out the opened beer from my back pocket and finished it off...in the store. I nonchalantly placed it on one of the shelves in the bedroom/bathroom section, though one of the employees grabbed it and followed us into the next aisle.
Employee: I believe you forgot something... (handing me the now empty beer bottle) A few steps out of site, and the bottle was back on the shelf. I really am an asshole...especially when drunk. After TheWife bought what she went there for, we headed over to the gas station which had a Dunkin' Donuts inside. I ended up ordering somewhere between 5 and 8 sandwiches for all of us, and talked to the Dunkin' Donuts manager for ten minutes or so (TheWife will correct me later like she always does) when TheWife finally came back inside to drag me to the car. Off to find some spooks! We headed up to where people always claim something paranormal happens, and halfway there, Smack decided he needed to puke. TheWife pulls over and he jumps out and starts puking in the middle of the road. Luckily for us that road isn't travelled much at night...or so we thought. One of Smack's friends rode up to us on his motorcycle and asked if he was okay and asked how he's been and all that. He said shortly after that we should get going because cops are starting to patrol that street. The last thing I remember is passing out on the way to the haunted streets of this shitty state, and having my hand crushed by TheWife who was rolling up my window. Damn...my hand hurts just thinking about that...
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